Besides that I have a mental disease

This has disturbed and stumped me for weeks, but I'm grappling with why I am obsessed with Twilight. I mean weirdly, disturbingly tied to the series.

From my last Twilight-related post, I was able to wait until the following Friday before I got Eclipse. I finished it before I went to bed Friday night. I got Breaking Dawn on Saturday night and finished it before dinner Sunday.

I also watched the Twilight movie the following Monday night. The first viewing didn't wow me. (AKJ also reviewed if you want another POV). It felt like the movie was one note - tortured. I liked the casting and agreed with AKJ on it, although I didn't think Rosalie was pretty enough and it disturbed me that Edward had 5 o' clock shadow the whole time. Dude's a vampire, come on.

The movie improved on second viewing. And third. And, um, fourth. Eclipe and Breaking Dawn were good the third time too. What is wrong with me?

Stephanie Meyer could not have written a book more tuned to high school girls who read this kind of book if she had calculated it. I don't know if it was conscious, but the heroine is what all of us felt we were then.

And that's really the major part of the problem. Bella is my high school self brought to life in a novel - awkward and uncoordinated, self-conscious, easily embarrassed. I, too, thought I found the perfect man in high school, someone who seemed perfectly sensitive and attractive and mysterious. Of course, he turned out to be complete ass hat. Part of the lure is to see what life could be like with magic and wonder as a given. When the pain of adolescence gives way to happiness greater than you could ever have known. A world where the result of that first attempt at trust is a love greater than imagination.

So I'm tied to a series of books that took my life and glorified it and injected magic and perfection and subtracted out all of the mundane crap (isn't it so much easier that the Cullens are wealthy beyond belief?). Where the guy turns out to be the guy you imagined, not a totally self-absorbed dickwad. Where everything works itself out and your in-laws are your best friends and everyone will die to protect you. Where you end up getting everything you ever wished for and more that you didn't even think to ask.

Yeah, maybe not such a mystery, I guess.

Crazy Talk

I've been considering the concept that I might be what is known in some circles as "Soft Bipolar". It means that, although my depression and mania aren't as strong as classic bipolar diagnoses require, I'm still cycling through small manias and depressive episodes and am not being helped enough by a regular antidepressant.

I have always eschewed the idea of bipolar, saying I'm too lazy to have mania. Looking back, though, I can pinpoint periods of short episodes that I think are manic.

Like this one.
Or this one, which, if my own blog is to be believed, lasted several days.

So, although they are few and far between and -never lead to me shaving my head (ok, well, that once), I might be having manic episodes.

The 25th mile

It's Christmas Eve. We are having MIL and SIL over tonight for fondue (yes, people still do that), so everything must be done by then. Mostly, it all was when I left this morning.

I picked up the basement this morning. The tree is up, the furniture moved, and there are just a few things that need to go out to the garage. There are presents under the tree.

I picked up the livingroom this morning. All remaining presents (wrapped and unwrapped) went into a bag in the hall closet. All wrapping paraphrenalia went into another bag set in the livingroom. Remaining presents (only 4 or so) can be wrapped later tonight after guests go home.

Groceries were purchased last night. Except oil for fondue. What can I say, it wasn't on my list. Must stop back at Cub and get oil and $10 gift card for dice game. Forgot that too.

We are finally happy with the furniture arrangement in the livingroom and will probably live with it for a while. Basement is nice too, moved children's table down there, although we still need to move the BF coffee table out to the garage. It will fit back in the livingroom, but Pants is afraid the children will end up with brain damage. Probably right. Girls' rooms are mostly clean and organized, have weeded out much of the crap that collects over a year (plastic junk, McDonald's toys, 4 inch creepy-looking dolls, etc.), plus two of the larger toy items. Must do more weeding after the holidays, but can't think about it now. Bathroom is clean, including getting on my hands and knees and scrubbing the floor.

Hmmm. Kitchen needs work. Both sinks full of dishes (of the dirty variety), counters completely covered with stuff, floor likes like it hasn't been cleaned in months (ahem). I hope Pants gets on that today.

All additional decorating is done and house looks cute and festive, but not like elves crapped Christmas. Tasteful.

So, really, all that's left today is vacuuming the entire house, cleaning the kitchen, clearing some crap out of various rooms that needs to be put in the garage (including the hutch, since we are using the buffet now for the BFTV). Pants and I have done about 20 loads of laundry in the last 2 weeks and are discovering that we don't have enough space to hold everyone's clothes. All drawers are bulging, all closets packed full. Anyone have another cute mid-century modern dresser for free for me? Anyone?

In the end, I got what I wanted for Christmas. A little Christmas excitement for my kids. A visit to Santa (after 3 hours in the mall). My girl's first sled. A Christmas tree. A warm home that looks like people like living there. I mean warm feeling, not temperature. Maybe I'll wish for that next year.

Still on my wish list? New tires for the Scion. New phones for Pants and I (2 weeks and counting). A basement remodel (and bathroom, kitchen, plus an addition). An insulated garage for Pants's man cave. A TV downstairs that's hooked up to the satellite. A garage sale soon so I can get rid of half the crap in the garage. A brilliant idea for a lighting system in the well so I can see what we're storing. A new shed. A slab next to it to park the truck in the winter. To sell the Intrepid (or give it away, or pay someone to get it out of my driveway). Cheaper daycare. To potty train the kids. To lose 40 pounds.

Wait, we're starting to hit a different kind of post.

And the snow keeps falling, falling, falling, falling...

Wanted to get the kids out to see Santa today (I know, 4 days from Christmas, SHUT UP), but the snow just keeps coming and I don't know if it's a good idea to drive to the mall.

So we're back to cleaning and decorating for the holiday. I will be posting separately about doing Martha on the cheap, so I'll leave that one for now.

Pants is out snowblowing to stay ahead of the inches. I took the girls out to play in the snow earlier, but it's pretty cold out and Meimei is too small to walk through the snow in the yard. I put her on the Tot sled, but that just caused a fight because Kitten wanted a ride too and she's too heavy for me to keep pulling. So we went back inside despite a wicked fit, courtesy of Meimei. And now I can't find the old bottle drying rack to put their hats and mittens on. I was really proud of that idea, too.

Oh well, back to the grind. My husband described our house as an "eyesore" this afternoon, so I guess there's some work to do.

A disturbing reminder of why I don't host holidays...

Quite honestly, the Martha Stewart in me surfaces and by the time the day comes, I'm practically remodeling.

Pants and MIL agreed that the solution to Christmas issues this year is to have it at our house. Which I fully agreed to before he talked to her. And it's fine, it really is.

Except that now nothing in my house is right and there's tons of decorating I want to do and I have a feeling my living room is going to look like a herd of elves crapped Christmas.

Why oh why can't I ever just throw out a plate of crackers and cheese and call it good?

I need a little grace today

Oh dear, we're the butt of the joke tonight on The Daily Show. "Minnesota - Crazier Than You Think."

7 things I'm grateful for from the last few days:

1. 6-8 loads of laundry done yesterday. Damn, clean underwear feels good.
2. Real apple cider warmed in my favorite mug - only available in the fall.
3. Flylady.net and shining my sink.
4. Kitten is pooping again.
5. Meimei has decided to show us how Elmo can walk down the stairs and "slinky." Must be seen to be believed. For the slinky, she skooches him down one step and basically punts him down the rest.
6. Realized today that Pants gets paid 3 times next month.
7. Changed the litter - my kitty likes me again!!

Insurance sucks

My ears have been hurting. And itching. Tons of pressure. But I didn't have an ear infection, confirmed first at the Minute Clinic and then a week later at my regular clinic. They referred me to ENT for this morning.

ENT tested my hearing, which is fine. Then they looked at my ears, which also looked fine (again). Then the doctor ran his fingers up my neck to where the jaw meets and I nearly leapt out of the chair.

Turns out TMD/TMJ often presents as ear pain/pressure/itching. So they shuffled me out of ENT to the referral lady, who told me to call my insurance and ask them who I could see for it. Apparently, it also turns out that insurance has a hard time with TMD because medical thinks dental should cover it and vice versa.

So my insurance will only cover a visit to maxillo-facial pain clinic if it results in surgery. Does this sound logical at all? I'm on my own until it's so bad I need surgery? Don't cover any kind of consultation, physical therapy, acupuncture or anything less invasive that might prevent surgery. That's just crazy talk.

So I guess I'm on my own.

The best of times, the worst of times

High School Meme

1 Who was your best friend? Bonnie

2 What high school sports did you play? My nickname was Tennis the Menace.

3 What kind of car did you drive? Huffy. Okay, it wasn't even a Huffy, it was a Coast King.

4 It's Friday night, where were you? School dance in the cafeteria.

5 Were you a party animal? Not so much.

6 Were you considered a flirt. Depends on who you ask, and which year.

7 Were you in band, orchestra or choir? Band, totally. Only popular kids were in choir.

7b Any other extracurriculars? Theater, Science Club, Knowledge Bowl, Marching and Pep Band.

8 Were you a nerd? Um... yeah.

9 Did you get suspended/expelled? I got detention once, does that count?

10 Can you sing the fight song? Sorry, it's been replaced by the MN Rouser.

11 Who was your favorite teacher? Jep, Garm, Olson, Cushman

12 School mascot? Redmen, Cougars (for a summer), then Magic. It was a whole drama because we had to change it, for reasons that are very clear to me now.

13 Did you go to Prom? Twice I think.

14 If you could go back and do it over, would you? Not so much.

15 What do you remember most about graduation? How stinkin' hot it was in the gym.

16 Where were you on senior skip day? We didn't have one and were promised a trip to Valley Fair in exchange.

17 Did you have a job your senior year? Yep - kitchen duty at the nursing home down the road.

18 Where did you go most often for lunch? The Commons area - where the hamburgers and fries were located.

19 Have you gained weight since then? You think?

20 What did you do after graduation? College.

21 When did you graduate? Class of '92

22 Who was your senior prom date? Jay.

23 Are you going / did you go to your 10 year reunion? I couldn't bear the thought of answering 100+ people asking if I had kids when I had just had my third miscarriage.

24 Who was your homeroom teacher? Last one I remember is 7th grade, Mr. Dornfeld.

25 Who will repost this after you? Some other band geek, I'm sure.

Conversations

Dear feet -
I have made the podiatry referral appointment, but it is so not my fault that they are only at the clinic Monday mornings and Tuesday afternoons and it's a whole extra month before we could get in. Please stop the insane burning itch. I will continue to scrub and lather you with medicine in hopes of appeasing you.

Dear MIL and SIL -
Thanks for covering 2 days of daycare vacation this week. You are awesome and the kids loved it!

Dear Poppa Rob -
Kitten told SIL today she had her eyes on her (complete with the fingers in her eyes). She loves you guys so much.

Dear CSI writers -
Damn you for killing Warrick off and making me sob through the entire episode. Evil bastards.

Love,
Someone who forgot her medication today...

I'm not trapped under anything heavy

Hey kids. Some of you may have expressed a bit of concern over my long absence, so let me fill you in. But very quickly, as we are leaving on vacation tomorrow.

My parents were in town for a week, and they came a few days early because of an unexpected funeral (aren't they all?) for my grandmother's sister. If anyone's counting, that's 4 siblings in 18 months. As my boss so eloquently put it, "I'd be nervous if I was one of the ones left."

And we have spent this last week getting ready for our vacation. Plus, I have been bad about taking my meds on the weekends, so I've been super tired. But we're getting back on track and I swear to god I'm getting a massage, or at least a facial, this coming week.

Oh, and of course, we're bringing the laptop so if I have wi-fi, maybe I can blog out some of the 400 posts I have in my head from the last 3 weeks.

Ta ta!

What a difference a day makes

Yesterday I took money matters in hand, paid the bills, made some phone calls to straighten out our cell and satellite accounts, and figured out how to pay off a bill and drop our monthly bill load $200/month.


OMG. Today at work, things were still a bit dicey, but this evening. My, this evening, how different things have been. The girls and I cleaned Meimei's room, set up her toddler bed (formerly Kitten's toddler bed) and put the sheets on, moved the bench out of her room to give her more play room, put all the toys away in her toy organizer thingy, and started on the closet and dresser organization. She's still in her crib for now, but her room was really our huge project for this weekend. Now we're about 40% done - on the first evening.

And the kids did better this evening, probably because I was nicer to them. Kitten went to bed better than she has in weeks. Meimei let me put her jammies on and change her without a fit.

Did I mention her room got cleaned?

And now I'm about to clean up the entryway. Like I've been planning for 3 weeks. And put the Low-e film purchased last weekend on the patio doors.

Hmmm. Think the depression might have been about the money? Yep. It's not completely done yet, but I feel much better.

Moral of the story? Grab the reins, chica. Grab the reins.

And... we're done.

Enough with the pity party. Time to get moving.

What's up with that?

So yeah, I've been flaking out again. My depression is about the worst it's been since before the kids were born, even though I'm on 3x the Zoloft. Can't get moving, can't get motivated, can't seem to get going.

Possible causes:

• IUD - mine is coated with hormones, which was probably a rash decision considering I could not handle the hormones in the pill. But research shows hormones are negligible. Conclusion: probably not.
• I'm a bit short on funds - daycare costs are killing us. We can't live on our budget - or won't. We don't seem to be able to do what's necessary to live on our (very adequate) incomes. There is something very wrong to say I'm broke while I type this on my laptop connected to my high-speed internet, sitting in front of my BFTV watching cable. Sounds a bit like whining. Conclusion: Most likely.
  
• My business - there are things I have to do with my business that personally make me uncomfortable, and it's not at all about the sex. I know I can actually do them (pretty sure they won't kill me) - it's just a matter of getting off my ass and doing them. I've really had a crisis of faith this month on this new business and I've wanted to quit about every other minute. But, for better or worse, I'm in it too far to quit so I will persevere through the end of the year and then make a decision going forward. Conclusion: Most Likely a side effect.
  

I think I need to find my counselor for a tune up. I'm trying to be consistent about taking my meds, but my auto-refill proves I'm not doing well.

My first taste

This evening, I experienced my first taste of backlash against my Pure Romance business, and it's freaking me out much more than I expected.

I knew that I wouldn't get unconditional support for everyone. My MIL, although she would never say something to me directly, is less than pleased about my new business. (Death is not an option, mom, don't offer.) And I knew she would be not be thrilled, but I didn't think she'd be upset.

And I think what really upsets me is that I am fragile enough right now as it is. I am scared that this whole thing is going to tank and we'll be on the hook for a lot of money. And I hate to have someone rooting for that, or have anything less than complete confidence in me.

But, I guess not everyone is comfortable with what I have chosen to do. It's too bad she probably won't come to a show to experience the educational aspect of it, or see what happens in the ordering room where we actually answer serious questions women don't even talk to their best friends about. She would maybe see why I chose to do it.

The devastating end to my illustrious career in marathon running

Today is the fourth day of the third flare-up of my knee. And by flare-up, I mean swollen at least 50%, zombie-like walking, and horrifying pain when I attempted to bend my legs in any fashion.

So I went to the doctor today to find out what's going on and it's patellofemoral pain syndrome. Or, my knee cap is wrestling with my thigh bone. But it's really just a symptom of TFF - Too Fucking Fat. Lose some weight, chick, or keep getting the knee pain.

On the bright side, I'm down 8 pounds. Maybe I am subconsciously injuring myself for the gratification of being weighed on the doctor's scale and having it recorded in my chart.

I'M NOT POOR

So, I finally started journaling today and the reason is money. I have issues with money. For some reason, my brain has equated watching your spending and sticking to a budget with being poor.

But we're not poor, we just have more financial responsibilities than we've ever had before. We spent $16,900 on daycare last year. Our mortgage is more than it was in the townhouse. We're still paying off the Scion. We're paying for diapers and about 500 cows'-worth of milk in a year (you think I'm kidding, but I'm not).

I have wondered why I couldn't stick to a budget. Why I couldn't keep from spending. Why we can't make ends meet with 2 perfectly good jobs.

But much of it is me. And the short-term fixes like "no spending month" are not going to fix the problem. The problem is the shame I have always had over being poor, growing up poor, and my fear that I will end up poor again. And my brain decided that not being poor meant that we wouldn't have to watch what we spent, or stick to a budget, or care what things cost. Those were for poor people. Those are poor thoughts. We are at least middle class and we should not have to do those things.

So now that I got it out, I know where the thoughts are coming from and can combat them with reason. Thank you once again, Molly Blackmore, Psychologist, for setting me up to work through these things. I swear I'm leaving my vast estate to you.

Turn back time

I've been kicking this around for awhile, but Dooce's post today has prompted me to finally post it.

Dear 19-year-old self:

You will begin a period in which you have horrible insomnia, and yet can't stay awake for anything. AKJ will have to wake you up because you are snoring in class. You will miss many events and appointments because you take a nap and can't get up. You will be tested several times for mono.

After many months of this, you will go through a whole battery of medical tests, and the idea will be presented to you, however incompetently, that you might be experiencing depression. Before you dismiss this idea as a suggestion that you are crazy, or that all of this is in your head, stop and listen for a minute.

Although this idea is presented to you as if it actually means you are crazy, or are just wasting everyone's time, hold this diagnosis tight. Hold onto it so tightly that you refuse to listen to anything else and insist that you get help for it.

Even though you hate this idea, let someone who knows what it is explain it to you, explain what it's doing to you, and explain that they can help. Get medicated. Go to therapy and let some of those demons out for a walk. They're not so bad when you can see them in the daylight.

So take my advice and go get treated. This is a disease like anything else and you've been suffering long enough. You're desperate for a name for what is ailing you, and now you have one: dysthymia. You have depression.

Treat it now and you'll get 10 years of your life that I missed out on.

Why I need to be fully medicated at all times

I've been very good at taking my meds, but ran out Friday and didn't rush right back to get more. I went over to Walgreen's Saturday and had them refill them, but didn't pick them up until tonight.
And here's why I went over there tonight:

• I have been crying at every TV show in the last 24 hours - including Cold Case when they solved the crime.
  
• I got to the point that every time I turned my head this evening, I was suddenly very lightheaded. I have heard of this before, but it never happened to me until today.
• I cried because MIL is still mad about Christmas because we told her yesterday we were spending it with my dad (original title of tonight's post? "Why I fucking hate Christmas")
• Had one of the worst days I've had in a long time at work. On a full snoot of Sertraline, it would have been long and busy, but doable. And I wouldn't have bitten Jay's head off at 3:00.
  

Oh, and here's why I fucking hate Christmas:

• In the old days ("Little House on the Prarie" old or when-we-were-on-welfare old, take your pick), Christmas was a time when you got things you needed but didn't have the money for - fruit, socks, shoes, church clothes. Sometimes, they were luxuries - a new doll, toy, book, or something special that you couldn't expect any other time of year. It was one or two items at the most and you were thrilled to get it. Today, however, we get the kids toys and clothes all year long and buy ourselves whatever we need. Christmas isn't special anymore because we don't want for anything, we don't need anything we can't have.
  
• Buying presents for people is a real downer when it's done out of obligation, not because you saw something you thought would be perfect for someone. On the flip side, trying to live with someone else's expectations that they bought you something you just had to have, but you hate it and are pretty sure they just bought it out of obligation to you. If we're shopping out of obligation, let's just include gift receipts, folks.
• One of the few people I see things for all the time that I would like to get, I am not allowed to buy for because we don't have the money to spend on each other. Also sorta takes the fun out of the holiday.
  
• Expectations that Christmas can only happen on the 25th - don't we all have our own families now? Can we start spreading out the joy and love for chrissakes?
• Other people thinking Christmas is all about them. Get over yourself and your little picture of how things should be, already.
  

Late to the party

I read about the Catsouras accident scene photos that were leaked by the California police to the internet and then sent to the girls parents. Apparently, many of them were extremely gruesome, showing her nearly decapitated body still strapped into the car.

So, naturally, I went online this morning to look up the photos. Of course, now there's litigation, so no one is posting them any longer. I am equal parts horror that I even looked for them and anger that they've all been removed.

And so it goes with all of the photos I hear about and try to look up. Vanessa Hudgens' nude photos (removed because her publicist had the brilliant idea to charge sites for posting them - far more effective than a court injunction). Tara Reid's boob. Janet Jackson's boob. If the internet picture has made headlines, I'm already too late.

Serves me right for using the internet to pay my bills instead of endlessly, aimlessly surfing for the most graphic news du jour.

Tis the Season to be Guilty

So here we are, smack in the middle of the holidays again, and Pants and I are smack in the middle of our annual guilt trip about where we spend the holidays.

As a caveat to those reading who might be part of this decision - the guilt is solely our own and you should not feel guilty for inviting us. You are doing something nice and we are the schmucks who can't say no when we want to.

That being said, does anyone else have this dilemma around the holidays?

We have three immediately families and some extended family, and all want us to come to their house at some point around Christmas. We already dealt with the Thanksgiving debacle and our current decision to spend the day at one place and no longer drive from house to house to appease everyone. Someone always gets the short end anyway, no matter how hard you try. So I guess we're switching off on Thanksgiving and trying to hit the other groups some other time during the weekend.

So, back to Christmas. We have put Christmas morning until at least noon off limits, as this is our time at home with the kids. We invited MIL and SIL over for cheap coffee and cinnamon rolls from a can, and anyone else who wants to partake is welcome. You know where we live.

The problem is Christmas afternoon. We were spending Christmas Eve with Pants' family, but then BIL's wife said her parents would not give up Christmas Eve this year, so it got moved to Christmas afternoon. That same day, my dad called and wanted to have everyone over at the same time. So who do we say no to? The person who scheduled last, or the person who changed their mind after the date was set? With Pants' family we draw names, so it might be awkward to split up the party. But my dad always get the shaft with the holidays and I want that to change.

Maybe this is why I'm so conflicted about Christmas. What happened to families staying home and grandparents doing the traveling? Isn't that what happened when we were kids?