Occasionally, I take to my blog to write about my in-laws because they don't know I'm here.
Pants' brother and his wife got a divorce very recently. Pants insists the papers are signed and its done, but it's so soon I'm not sure that's true. There is no child support, no alimony, no muss, no fuss. She moved him into a nearby townhouse that she pays part of the rent on and they can't sell their house because they got the First Time Home Buyer's credit and have to stay there another 18 months or pay back the $8000. But whatever yanks your chain.
My problem is the overshare. I'm FB friends with her, with their kids, and now with him because he just joined up for unknown reasons (so very unlike him). It's nice to keep tabs on the kids and it's always been easy to share pictures, say hi occasionally, etc.
But she's been posting song lyrics for a few months and, knowing what I know, I can't help but read into them. It only became uncomfortable, though, when she changed her FB relationship status to single the day he moved out. I read all of the comments running the gamut from congratulations to WTF. I don't think you should announce your divorce on FB, but I'm not sure how else one navigates this type of thing.
But it was so much worse when she switched her status on Monday to "in a relationship." It's not my place to judge but I am SO JUDGING HER so I've just chosen to keep my trap shut and not comment and just monitor the situation from a comfortable distance.
Then she sent me and Pants' sister a (joint) direct message, dragging me into the fray. It's all about how she loves us and she totally gets that we might unfriend her on FB because of the divorce and she's lost some people on there since then and whatever we decide is totally fine with her and she'll understand. It does not feel genuine, it feels like I am being asked to choose, like she is tallying her belongings after the tornado and am I staying or going, I would like to put you on the list in the right column please.
Aside from this message directed at me that seems specifically designed to create drama where there wasn't any, the only thing that actually makes me want to unfriend her is not that she's "in a relationship," but that she felt the need to announce it to the world. A world that includes her 12 and 13 year old daughters who had no inkling any of this was coming just two months ago.
Maybe it's the wanton selfishness, destruction, and ignorance of that destruction that I'm having a tough time swallowing. She may think she's been "divorced in her mind" for a long time, but the girls were in an intact family two months ago. Maybe she could cut them a little slack before trotting in a new man? Because it's not just about her wants and needs this time through the dating pool?
Do I tell her that she might be hurting her kids, since they are part of my family and as an adult, I should try to protect their interests? Or do I continue to keep my opinions to myself, since that's all they are?
2 comments:
Build or continue to build your relationship with the kids and avoid the mom as much as you like. If you tried to talk to her about it, at best you'd get some assurances that she's talked it out with the kids and they're all good with it. Whether they are or not. Adults are just as capable of seeing what they want to see as children. If the kids bring it up with you, feel free to use whatever version of "Sometimes adults aren't really adults" you prefer.
Also, feel free to take the "it's okay with me to unfriend me" message literally even if it wasn't meant to be. If someone's setting a trap, you're allowed to spring it with a stick rather than your foot.
I think you can and should say something to her. It might not change her perspective or her actions, but at least you will know that you tried. Sometimes you have to take one for the team and be the one to give the hard to hear, but necessary advice. She might unfriend you, but it looks like that could happen anyway.
I'd definitely spin it from your personal experiences or say something like "I said this to BIL too" or "I really love your girls and just want the best for them" -so she knows that you really don't care what SHE does,but that she shouldn't share it with her children. If she's usually a reasonable person, it might sink in.
I've also been known to tell my divorcing friends that it's better to see a therapist now than 1 year or two down the road when they later realize how much baggage they still have. But for someone to take that well, you have to have a good relationship with them, and still word that as kindly as you can.
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