Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The end of lazy parenting

School conferences a couple of weeks ago. Nerve-wracking. It's hard not to take it as a judgment on your parenting skills. And you know it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows when the papers have been coming home from school with "Late" and "had to stay in from recess to finish."

So yeah, some very measurable and disturbing behaviors going on in the classroom:
  • Kitten has trouble following instructions, especially if they involve multiple steps. She quite clearly gets through one or two steps and loses it.
  • The teacher consistently has to address her specifically when it's time to start an assignment. She is usually off in her own world.
  • Kitten is the first kid in the classroom in the morning, but almost always the last kid to get her coat and backpack off. She usually just stands there and watches the other kids.
  • Kitten often loses things, leaves the cap off her glue sticks, has papers and other things stuffed in her cubby, and just generally has difficulty keeping track of things. She has lost her coat/jacket/sweatshirt, left her water bottle at school, lost her glasses, and numerous other items.
So we had an assessment done this week with a doctor that specializes in ADHD. We haven't reached a diagnosis yet, but it's pretty clear that there is some kind of issue that needs to be addressed so she can focus on her school work.

I think we both secretly knew there would be an issue. She's bright, she's personable, but she can't stay on task to save her life. I can't send her to her room to clean it - she doesn't know what to do or where to start. We can't get out of the house without a crying, screaming melt-down most days.

We're not sure where we are going with this. We don't think we're ready to medicate our kindergartner, but I don't know where else to find help making the appropriate behavioral and environmental changes so she can learn. I've read that medicating children doesn't teach them how to develop the skills they'll need, but these grades are also the foundations of reading, writing, and mathematical skills and I feel like I can't allow her to get behind, either.

I have no fricking clue what we're going to do from here.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

To unfriend or not to unfriend

Occasionally, I take to my blog to write about my in-laws because they don't know I'm here.

Pants' brother and his wife got a divorce very recently. Pants insists the papers are signed and its done, but it's so soon I'm not sure that's true. There is no child support, no alimony, no muss, no fuss. She moved him into a nearby townhouse that she pays part of the rent on and they can't sell their house because they got the First Time Home Buyer's credit and have to stay there another 18 months or pay back the $8000. But whatever yanks your chain.

My problem is the overshare. I'm FB friends with her, with their kids, and now with him because he just joined up for unknown reasons (so very unlike him). It's nice to keep tabs on the kids and it's always been easy to share pictures, say hi occasionally, etc.

But she's been posting song lyrics for a few months and, knowing what I know, I can't help but read into them. It only became uncomfortable, though, when she changed her FB relationship status to single the day he moved out. I read all of the comments running the gamut from congratulations to WTF. I don't think you should announce your divorce on FB, but I'm not sure how else one navigates this type of thing.

But it was so much worse when she switched her status on Monday to "in a relationship." It's not my place to judge but I am SO JUDGING HER so I've just chosen to keep my trap shut and not comment and just monitor the situation from a comfortable distance.

Then she sent me and Pants' sister a (joint) direct message, dragging me into the fray. It's all about how she loves us and she totally gets that we might unfriend her on FB because of the divorce and she's lost some people on there since then and whatever we decide is totally fine with her and she'll understand. It does not feel genuine, it feels like I am being asked to choose, like she is tallying her belongings after the tornado and am I staying or going, I would like to put you on the list in the right column please.

Aside from this message directed at me that seems specifically designed to create drama where there wasn't any, the only thing that actually makes me want to unfriend her is not that she's "in a relationship," but that she felt the need to announce it to the world. A world that includes her 12 and 13 year old daughters who had no inkling any of this was coming just two months ago.

Maybe it's the wanton selfishness, destruction, and ignorance of that destruction that I'm having a tough time swallowing. She may think she's been "divorced in her mind" for a long time, but the girls were in an intact family two months ago. Maybe she could cut them a little slack before trotting in a new man? Because it's not just about her wants and needs this time through the dating pool?

Do I tell her that she might be hurting her kids, since they are part of my family and as an adult, I should try to protect their interests? Or do I continue to keep my opinions to myself, since that's all they are?

Monday, August 09, 2010

I vaccinate

I may be opening a can of worms here, but I vaccinate my kids. For everything.

I just watched the PBS documentary Frontline: The Vaccination Wars (you can stream it on Netflix) and it's a subject that is close to me. I didn't really realize why until I watched it.

They made the distinction that the vast majority of parents of young children today don't have personal experience with the devastation of polio, small pox, mumps, measles, or pertussis. Previous generations didn't have to be sold on vaccines - they saw the proof growing up. Our generation grew up without most of these diseases and it's easier to be concerned about what the vaccines are doing than what they are preventing. When you don't see it, it's more like the boogey-man - it just doesn't seem real.

These diseases are real. My grandmother had polio as a child. Her life was severely shortened, and she had a huge hump on one shoulder, affecting her gait, her height, everything. Her body was destroyed by the disease. I saw first-hand what polio can do to a person. Polio has lived endemically for centuries, but began to become epidemic in the late 1800s in Europe and was the most feared childhood illness of the 20th Century in America, as it is highly contagious through basic contact. Factors affecting the severity of the disease include tonsillectomy and pregnancy. 90% of those infected show no symptoms at all, but the remaining 10% of cases can have the virus attacking motor neurons which causes paralysis and the deformities we see in pictures. Polio is one of two diseases marked for global eradication through vaccination, but there continues to be around 1000 infections per year worldwide. Polio survivors are one of the largest disabled groups in the world.

A friend of mine recently told me that she would not be vaccinating her child because the diseases we vaccinate for don't occur in the US. But people in the US travel abroad all the time and anyone can bring something home. The Hammer's daycare center recently had to report that a child in the center, who chose to remain anonymous, had a case of Pertussis, or whooping cough. In fact, there was an outbreak in MN. Frontline had a video of a 6 week old baby with Pertussis and it was horrifying - she literally could not get a breath in because of the fluid in her lungs and you can see the panic in her face. It's human instinct to fight for air when you can't breathe, even when you're 6 weeks old.

Most parents today had chicken pox as children - I did. It was seen as a rite of passage, something your parents exposed you to so you could get it out of the way. I was very sick when I had mine, lethargic, feverish, barely ate. Apparently, most children who die from chicken pox, however, die from an infection that enters where lesions have been scratched, usually staph or strep. Chicken pox infections are severe for adult males and pregnant women, and the virus can reactivate at any time, causing shingles. Shingles causes an extremely painful rash resulting from the toxin becoming active again in the nerve tissues it continues to inhabit for the rest of your life if you have had chickenpox.

Many of us don't know what happens when some of these diseases take hold. We know that the mumps will make your throat huge and sore, but it can also make a child deaf or cause nerve damage. If adolescent or adult males are infected with the mumps virus, about 30% will see their testicles infected, which is extremely painful and can cause atrophy or infertility. Pregnant women in the first trimester who contract mumps will miscarry around 27% of the time. There was an outbreak of over 6000 cases of mumps in 2006 attributed largely to young university students.

Measles is actually a respiratory infection that also causes a rash and it's highly infectious - 90% of people with no immunity will contract it if they are in regular contact with someone who has it. One of the reasons it is so contagious is that it can be transmitted days before the rash appears. Although usually not fatal, complications are common and can be severe. Indiana experienced an outbreak in 2005.

Rubella, or German Measles, is relatively benign, unless contracted by pregnant women. Rubella in pregnant women can kill the fetus, or, if it survives, will cause many severe and irreversible defects. There was a pandemic of Rubella in 1964-65 that affected 1% of all births in New York alone. The vaccine was created in the 1970s and the CDC declared this disease eradicated from the US in 2004, but continue to vaccinate for it due to foreign travel.

Diphtheria can make you seriously ill and cause death. Cardiomyopathy occurs in 20% of cases and peripheral neuropathy in 10%. It can also cause paralysis. Swelling in the lymph nodes during the acute illness can necessitate intubation. It has been nearly eradicated in the US but continues to infect hundreds of thousands every year overseas. The Guinness Book of World Records has named Diphtheria the "Most Resurgent Disease."

Tetanus can cause extremely painful muscle spasms and 11% of cases are fatal in the US. Complete recovery can take months. There are no blood tests to diagnose a tetanus infection - diagnosis is based on the symptoms alone. Tetanus is widely known to come from contact with metal puncturing or slicing the skin, but any cut, wound, or injury that opens the skin can become infected with Tetanus. There are approximately 100 cases of Tetanus in the US annually. Tetanus infects around a million people worldwide each year and kills approximately 30-50% of those who contract it.

Meningitis comes in many forms, it's a name given to inflammation of the meninges, the protective tissues covering the brain and spinal cord, usually due to infection. Four vaccines are given to prevent various causes. Diagnosis of the condition is done by lumbar puncture (they stick a needle into the fluid around your spinal cord and extract some for testing). The doctor's usually won't know exactly what infection caused it, though, so they'll just throw everything they have at you - antibacterials, antivirals, and maybe a corticosteroid to reduce the inflammation. The infection may cause sepsis in the body. The swelling may damage brain or spinal tissue. Mortality is high for infants, low for older children, and oddly, highest of all for adults. In survivors, deafness and cognitive impairment occur in more than 10% of victims.

And finally, the Hepatitis vaccines. Hepatitis is basically an inflammation of the liver caused by a virus. About a third of the world's population has been infected with the HepB virus, including the approximately 350 million chronic carriers that can spread the disease at any time through bodily fluids. Infection can either be chronic or self-limiting, meaning it goes away on it's own. Only 30% of young children will be able to clear the infection and the rate drops to 5% of newborns infected by their mothers at birth. Those with chronic infections have a 40% chance of death due to cirrhosis of the liver or liver cancer.

Hepatitis A is spread fecal-to-oral. It also causes inflammation of the liver and although it is rarely fatal in the US, the illness is severe (vomiting, diarrhea, abdominal pain, fever, fatigue) and can last 1-3 weeks in children and much longer in adults. Up to 10% of people can experience relapses up to 40 weeks after the initial illness. The most widespread US outbreak occurred in 2003, when over 600 people were infected from tainted green onions served in a restaurant in Pennsylvania.

Growing up watching my grandmother struggle with the after-effects of polio formed my opinions on vaccines. Not everyone has the personal experience I had with her and it's easy to think these diseases don't exist here or aren't dangerous. They do. They are. Consider your choice to vaccinate carefully.