Place your bets

I hate The Hills. Never watched it, can't stand to read about it, think the whole thing is just icky. But I just can't seem to get away from it. So Heidi and Spencer are ready to get married.

And here's why they're not:

H: And then I had this moment when I realized I'm ready to marry Spencer.
Magazine: What moment was that?
H: We were walking at sunset, and he had a little picnic made for me with chocolate-covered strawberries and Dom Perignon.
Me: Yeah, that's what marriage is really like. You're definitely ready.

Magazine: Do you think you rushed the first engagement?
H: Yeah. I'd just turned 21, and it was scary because I was so young. Even though it's only been a year, it feels like a lifetime later.
Me: You've like, so totally matured! Can't wait to hear what you say next! Ohmygod!

Magazine: Spencer, we need to talk about that ugly scene at S Bar in LA when you hijacked Heidi's girls' night out and flirted with those women over shots.
S: It felt dirty. It's not what I wanted. That's why I was sipping on that shot - I was trying to calm my nerves.
Me: I'll just bet. Let's see what Heidi's mature response is...
H: That was the turning point. I saw him with those girls, and I realized I could never see him with someone else... and I could never live my life without him. He's my soulmate.
Me: Yep, there it is. You want him because you don't want anyone else to have him. Brilliant reason to marry.

Magazine: You said you were waiting for Spencer to propose again with the right ring.
H: A new ring means a fresh start, a fresh love, and a fresh engagement. Plus, I didn't get to pick it out. I want something much bigger and one that comes from the heart - not some purple thing!
Me: Nice, you materialistic bitch. After all, it's not the man that matters, but the big fat rock weighing down your finger FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Me: Oh, kids, here's the topper! Wait for it...
Magazine: What would your dream wedding be like?
H: I just want everything to be perfect. I want to perform at my wedding - it's a special song I'm working on now for Spencer. I'd love to have steakhouse Cut cater it and have Kobe sliders for everyone! I want to give all the guests Jason of Beverly Hills watches. Oh, and I want U2 to come play. They're the perfect wedding band, right?

So, my money's on 3 months, long enough for the excitement to wear off and actual life to set in.