My Big Redneck Wedding

My LPT is getting married on Saturday and I've been keeping tabs on her preparations for a couple of weeks. I started to relive my own wedding on the way to physical therapy today and I realized something. As beautiful as I wanted it to be, my reception was really, really redneck.

I present the evidence:

• My brother and someone who will remain nameless (because he is NOT dead) snuck out to my rented Lincoln Town Car and blazed up a joint.
  
• A co-worker of ours got so drunk that she was hitting on everyone at the reception. Including the BRIDE and GROOM. She later got into an actual fist fight in the parking lot because some other coworkers thought she might be a little too far gone to drive.
  
• Apparently an anorexic we know drank too much and ate WAY too much cake, ended up puking her guts out in the bathroom, and got hauled out in an ambulance. Don't even know where I was for that one.
  
• Pants' friends The Michaels got incredibly drunk and we played rounds of "Where's Michael?" for an hour, where a different one would show up every 5 minutes, ask where the other was, and stumble off to find him, no matter how hard we tried to make either one stay put.
  
• One of them also brought a date, who none of us saw before or have seen since, who was 9 feet tall in a solid turquoise dress. She's the only thing I remember seeing walking down the aisle (What the HELL is that?).
  
• I have a photo of two women (regular readers here) dry-humping Pants on the dance floor.
  
• The groomsman who missed the wedding because he was IN JAIL showed up in a red suit and pink leopard-print hair.
  
• Pants and I spent every dime we had on the wedding and had to take the wedding cards with us to the hotel so we had some money for our honeymoon. If you gave us money, thanks.

So although I have lovely memories of my wedding, I realize now that an open bar was perhaps not the best idea. I realize now that although our friends and family have come a long way, you can't take the redneck out of the country-raised. I realize now that I didn't know half of what went down during the reception and I'm kinda glad.

So there it is - my big redneck wedding.

Feel free to disagree...