So why do I need the weight, you ask? Good question. Time to head back to the journal and find out. Possible answers I have come up with already:
- Extra weight keeps me "safe" from being ogled, commented upon, or molested.
- Everyone plans all these great things for when they become thin again. Maybe I don't feel good enough to do the great things, and panic when I start to get thin. Maybe I don't feel good enough just to be thin. Thin people are cool, nice, helpful, and worthy.
9 comments:
I can totally relate. Oh, then there's always the fear that you'll have to replace your whole wardrobe and won't be able to afford as nice of clothes as you had in your old size.
Not a problem for me, since I can't manage to loose any weight. Maybe once my stress is over I can start shedding the pounds!
Don't give in, it's just a passing thought. You're doing a great job!
Well, good for you for pondering the "why"s of it; it might help in the longer term.
Me? Apparently when I exercise, I feel "entitled" to eat more chocolate, chips, and other junk. So, no real progress here.
And you're cool, nice, helpful, and worthy no matter what size you are, dear. Also fun, funny, and insightful, to name a few more. :)
Don't forget intelligent and witty!
You are also brave and beautiful!
Punk rock points to you for at least trying to figure it out. I just keep banging my head against the same old wall (though I have to ditto Ms. H's "entitlement" theory - except that I feel that way even when I don't exercise. My life is hard, I deserve Thin Mints!)
Yeah, don't you love the way your own psyche tries to sabotage you in the name of self-protection? Grrr. Life would be so much easier if we could just sit down and have rational conversations with our irrational side. Like, "Dear Id, I know you're just trying to protect me, and you totally think you're working in my best interests, and I appreciate that, really, but trust me on this one — I'm okay, and this is something I want and it's important, so if you could just let me drive for a while, that'd be keen. Okay? Thanks." Alas.
Good luck with the journaling, and meanwhile, congrats on the 8 lbs.!
I totally understand the not wanting to be noticed thing. I'm grateful that I mostly got past that, with lots of help from my counselor and some damn fine drugs. For me, the thing that helped the most, was realizing that should someone notice me being attractive when I'd really prefer they leave me the hell alone, I could handle it. Finding the capacity to believe that led me to believe I could handle having a kid, too. Talk about illogical :-)
You've dealt with so much more than that already. I wish you the best in this particular battle with the illogical. You do deserve to look as great on the outside as you are on the inside. And you are great on the inside!
LOL- I love pusher! :)
That is all.
Dear Id, this drug's for you!
oops - forgot the congrats on the weight loss too!
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