Monday, December 08, 2008

It's beginning to look a lot like drama...

MIL has stopped speaking to Pants because of Christmas. Isn't this exactly what we wanted to avoid this year?

I thought we had solved our problem by announcing loudly and often that we were not going anywhere on Christmas day. At all. Apparently we are being unreasonable.

You may remember last year's Christmas debacle that left us all tired, cranky, and hating Christmas. And I swore it would be different. We decided that we would not go anywhere on Christmas Day and would not go more than 1 place on any given day.

Let me explain my reasons. When we were married without children, we went wherever the winds blew us and just tried to make everyone happy. If there was a ham, turkey, or roast, we were there.

Small children can't be yanked around like that. It's way too overstimulating, they don't get naps, and everyone thinks it's their right to feed them candy and cookies with impunity because it's Christmas, for crying out loud. There are so many presents they can't even focus their eyeballs anymore and they have no idea what is from whom. All manners (please and thank you) go out the window and they end up asking for more more more at the end of the day. It's too much. It's disrespectful to the gift-givers - the kids don't even enjoy the gifts until much later, if ever.

So we made a decision after last year to respect our children, our families, and our kids, and we made the rules about how we would conduct the holidays. But our plan apparently doesn't work for everyone.

When I was a kid, we stayed home for Christmas. We often went somewhere the weekend before or after, but Christmas was sacrosanct. Pants had the same thing as a child. Why is it that parents want to keep us as children, whims to their replays of holidays past?

This is what we want for our kids - we want our presents to them and Santa's presents to mean something and not be overshadowed by 45 other gifts. We want them to be able to play with their gifts. We want each time they receive a gift to be special, we want them to understand that the giver loves them and gave them something they hoped would make them happy.

We don't want gifts to be just one more thing to tear the paper off of in a long string of noise. We don't want them to expect another and another because that is how the whole day has gone.

I thought what I hated about Christmas with my children was the lack of meaning, the endless stuff that was just plastic junk. I think what I really loathe is the poor lessons, the spoiling, and the rampant more more more. I don't mind them getting stuff - they're kids! And I figured out it's not about the cheap plastic junk - some of that stuff is their favorite stuff. It's the expectations that we all better show up and be merry, dammit, or we're ruining Christmas. We better love everything like it's the perfect gift, or we're insulting people who love us. We better smile and go along or we're ungrateful and rude.

What I hate is that Christmas is so festooned with expectations tied to emotion that it turns into a landmine. No other time of year is so fraught with unspoken rules and hurt feelings. The wrong word, the wrong action, the wrong gift and it is all ruined. That is so not me. Or Pants. And we don't want that for our kids.

Please pass the forgiveness and love. Um, no guilt for me this year, thanks. I'm trying to cut back.

5 comments:

DiploWhat said...

sounds like a good plan to me. Kudos to you for sticking to it. We also never went anywhere for X-mas, however my grandparents would come over on X-mas eve for dinner and gift opening. X-mas day was stockings in the morning and putzing around playing with the new gifts during the day.

Ms. Huis Herself said...

Perfect post, Syl, perfect post.

You're right - you are looking out for your family, respecting what they need, and that's what you need to do. Good for you! Stick to it - you are SO doing what's right!

Growing up, we did Xmas at home, but we'd see the nearby grandparents (same town) after church for lunch & to get together with all the extended family. Grandma in the TC we'd see at Easter.

When Pumpkin was young, we'd try to see both. Now the distance has led up to set up the 1 year here, 1 year in MN plan. We will be splitting Xmas day itself this time, due to how things work out with extended family & since it's the only day 1 brother has off, but we're going to be able to just spend time with family in a more relaxed day, too, being up for a week in total.

Unknown said...

That is SO true. I don't think anyone really wants that for the kids, they just need to take a step back from their emotions and see the logic of your arguements.

Geez, isn't that why they developed the twelve days of Christmas?

It's easier to follow through on those ideals when no one seems to have money.

We used to travel every Christmas to one of the grandparent's houses (or aunt or uncle). We had Christmas Eve to ourselves before we travelled. Each family has to find a plan that works for them and others will just have to learn to live with it.

Christmas is so much easier when people can put aside their expectations and just be happy to be able to spend time together.

Happy Veggie said...

Good for you! We have managed to carve out Christmas morning, but this year are inviting my brother since he has no one (not getting along with my dad, mom lives in CO, fiance split).

As time goes on I am sure we will forge other traditions, and while I feel a little bad that we can't be everywhere for everyone, that's just too bad.

I never put much thought into not appreciating gifts when they are all squished together, but you are so right. Also right about the kids not being their best when all you do is run them around. If you really care about your grandkids, then appreciate the value of quality time with them.

Unknown said...

Maybe you can point MIL to my post on how to ruin Christmas??? Her attitude sort of inspired my post. Well that and memories of Christmases past.....