The people that you meet each day

Dear work nemesis:
You know I rocked in the meeting today and you came off looking like a big loser. Suck it, bitch.

Dear Orange Eclipse:
I know you are under 25 with a shiny new car that there is no way you can legitimately afford, but please stop pulling a Fast and the Furious every morning. We are not street racers, we are moms and dads with real jobs. Try staying alive long enough to see your car repo'd. Or at least until you get the license plates.

Dear Tiny Asian Lady:
You are really pretty and you dress well. But teasing your hair just in that one spot in the back on top so it stands three inches off your head in weird, gelled-up strands does not make you look taller. It really just makes you look stupid and desperate. I'm sure you're very nice. Go see a hairdresser who cares.

Dear Creepy Amazon Woman:
Hmmm. Where to start? I hear you're actually not very nice, so I won't start with "I'm sure you're very nice." And honestly, you don't look very nice. But let me just say, in addition, that it's not terribly attractive to pull your bleached-white hair back so tight every day that you are nearly giving yourself a facelift (and yet, not quite) and then putting a thingy with a ring of fake hair on it around the bun. And the makeup, sweetie. Oh, the makeup... Don't you think maybe you should try growing old gracefully?

Dear Mr. Suburban with FlexFuel:
Get a car that gets better than 20 mpg and I will believe you might be interested in the environment.

Dear Giant White Van:
Don't drive that monstrosity downtown. If you continue to do so, learn to park. You are crooked every day.

Dear Panhandler Who's Nice:
Thanks for saying, "Have a good day" to everyone who goes by. I'm still not giving you money, but I was actually tempted this morning because you were being so nice. It's a refreshing change from the other pack of homeless people who ask for money and then start berating people who refuse.

Dear Syl:
You are competent and shouldn't worry so much about how you are doing - You are just as far behind as everyone else and you don't look any worse on an ongoing basis than they do. It's been a tough couple of weeks, but you're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep going.