Toxic Wounds

Oprah says there are no coincidences, so it must be as prescient as I think it is that Dooce did an article yesterday on Alpha Mom on a new book about mothering and that there was an Oprah today on passing on our toxicity to our daughters.

The women on Oprah today couldn't figure out how their daughters came to believe they were ugly, when the women themselves believed they were horribly ugly and said so all the time. The women believed that simply by telling the daughters they were beautiful, the daughters would somehow be able to avoid the same feelings of self-hatred, even though the daughters witnessed it every day. Do as I say, not as I do.

And as for Dooce's article, it was at least partially about the passing on of genes to our daughters and what they do with them. Lord knows we have some toxic genes between Pants and I, as much as no one else wants to admit it. The sheer amount of addiction in my family should be an indication. The amount of addiction in Pants' family is similar, in addition to his grandfather's suicide.

The gist of the book, however, was that we have to equip our children to deal with their genes, that it's more of a poker game than a chess match. What can you make of your hand, can your personal confidence overcome the crappiness of your cards?

Naomi Wolf said that mothers who exude self-confidence and self-love vaccinate their daughters against low self-esteem. The psychologist on Oprah said that we make the mistake in trying to fix our problems in our daughters and not in ourselves. When we don't fix the issue in ourselves, it's reflected in our daughters and defined, almost more so, no matter how we try to head it off.

I am ever more thankful that I spent some quality time in therapy before getting pregnant, before having my kids, before infecting them with my toxic crap. Our genes are toxic enough, I hope to give my girls at least a fighting chance at playing their hand smart, with confidence. Which makes it that much more important for me to stay on my meds all the time, not just most of the time, to get help when I need it, go back to counseling if I need to. It's not just for myself anymore, but for my girls. The healthier I can be, the healthier they will grow up.